|• Main||• Contacts|
of sodomy. But all these things were repulsive to me,
notwithstanding my secret practices. I was a 'good boy.'
"Up to the age of 21 I was perfectly satisfied with my own
society, something of a prig, fond of books and reading, etc. I
was and ever have been absolutely insensible to the influence of
the other sex. I am not a woman hater, and take intellectual
pleasure in the society of certain ladies, but they are nearly
all much older than myself. I have a strong repulsion from sexual
relations with women. I should not mind being married for the
sake of companionship and for the sake of having boys of my own.
But the sexual act would frighten me. I could not in my present
frame of mind go to bed with a woman. Yet I feel an immense envy
of my married friends in that they are able to give out, and find
satisfaction for, their affection in a way that is quite
impossible for me. I picture certain boys in the place of the
"I am now only happy in the society of men younger than myself,
age 17 to (say) 23 or 24, youths with smooth faces, or first sign
of hair on lip, well groomed, slightly effeminate in feature, of
sympathetic, perhaps weak nature. I feel I want to help them, do
something for them, devote myself entirely to their welfare.
"With such there is no fixed line between friendship and love. I
yearn for intimacy with particular friends, but never dare
express it. I find so many people object to any strong expression
of feeling that I dare not run the risk of appearing ridiculous
in the eyes of these desired intimates.
"I have no desire for _paedicatio_, but the idea itself does not
repulse me or seem unnatural, though personally it repels me a
little. But I think this to be mere prejudice on my part, which
might be broken down if the loved person showed a willingness to
act a passive part. I should never dare to make an advance,
Page 6 from 6: Back 1 2 3 4 5